When I was in fifth grade, I met a boy named Jason. At least, I think that was his name. It’s been 30 years, so I don’t really remember. Anyway, Jason was a little older than I was, was bigger, taller, and better looking. He also had one other thing I admired: hermit crabs. 3 to be specific. He brought them to church, and that is when a dream to have hermit crabs was first introduced to me.
I thought they were the coolest things- their legs, eyes, antennae, and the funny way they moved around and the way they tickled my hand when they walked on them. Not wanting to be outdone for all the attention Jason was getting with his crabs, I said “I have a rattlesnake that I found.” Well, that got me some attention, and Jason quickly said he would like a rattlesnake. I, in my very young and impulsive brain, hatched a plan to get the crabs, and I said I’d trade the snake for the crabs. He agreed, and we set the day of the pet transfer for Tuesday. I think it was Tuesday, I’m not really sure. It might have been a Monday. Anyway…
This now became a problem; I didn’t have any snake, let alone a rattlesnake. How would I get out of this pickle? I’ve found over the years I haven’t learned much- I jump in with both feet sometimes not knowing how to accomplish the goal in mind… Well, then, like today, I came up with a plan. My grand design was to get a paper lunch bag, put some dirt in it, with some grass, and then say the snake got out, or that Jason somehow lost it. Then I could shift the blame to him, and still keep the crabs… Oh the lesson I was about to learn…
The day of the trade came, and we were going to meet after school. Well, at about lunch time I was told that Jason was sick, and got out of his school early, and had his dad bring him to my school to effect the trade. The exchange was made, and for a bag of dirt and some grass clippings I now had three hermit crabs sitting on my desk. Everyone in the class thought I was so cool. I loved it!
About an hour later I was called to the principal’s office. I’ll be the first to admit this wasn’t my first time going there, but this was going to be the worst of my offenses. Jason and his dad were there, and said that I had promised a rattlesnake, but all I had given him was a bag of dirt with a rock in it. I vehemently denied the rock, and said the snake must have escaped during recess. In case you’re wondering, no, I didn’t admit to not having a snake in the bag. I double down, and didn’t back up at all.
Thinking a rattlesnake was loose in the school prompted a swift reaction. My classroom was evacuated, and a thorough search was begun. My parents were contacted, and I was marched from the principal’s office to the teacher’s lounge, and past all my classmates who were now sitting in the hall outside the classroom, to await my parents.
I don’t remember much after that, but there seemed to be a grueling interrogation, asking where I got the snake, how I had kept the snake, how my parents knew nothing about the snake (as they were divorced and living 30 minutes away from each other I could get away with saying that I just kept it at the other house, which worked until they were both in the same room…). The whole thing started to fall apart (if it hadn’t already fallen apart, but I was too ignorant at the time to see it) was when I said I took the snake to a local vet to have it defanged. Well, they called the vet, and the vet said they had never defanged a snake. And then my dad asked if the snake had a square head or a triangular head. Hmm. “A… square head?” I said. Well, if my dad wasn’t convinced already that I didn’t have a rattlesnake, he was now. “If there was a snake, it wasn’t poisonous.” Apparently poisonous snakes like rattlesnakes have triangular heads.
Well, several hours later, and very shaken, I was released from my captivity into the custody of my parents. The school administrators seemed convinced there was no danger, though I never admitted to not having a snake. In fact, I think it is only in the last couple of years that I’ve come clean on the my side of the affair… Oh the things we hold on to!
Anyway, this week my daughter got a hermit crab (my wife got one for her class at school, and it has been a huge hit there) and my oldest wanted one for herself, and so she bought one. Maybe I’m living vicariously through my kid, but I now, after 30 years, have a hermit crab (2 right now, because the school crab is here for the weekend) in my house, which I get to observe as it walks its funny walk, and looks around with its crabby eyes and antennae. And the best part is, no snakes were needed!
DaveGrigsby.com 